What is Gaslighting? A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes another person question their own reality, thoughts, and feelings. It involves an abuser denying a survivor’s memories or perception of reality, making the survivor question their own sanity. Gaslighting is the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their own cognition, emotions, and sense of self.

This form of emotional abuse and brainwashing often develops in relationships with an existing power dynamic, such as romantic partnerships, workplace dynamics, or family settings. The gaslighter leverages this power imbalance to control the other person and make them doubt their own perceptions, memories, and judgment. Common gaslighting techniques include denial, shifting blame, minimizing, withholding information, countering, discrediting, deflection, and using loving words as a weapon. The following sections will delve into the origins of the term “gaslighting,” recognize the various forms it can take, identify signs of being gaslit, understand its impact on mental health, and explore ways to gather evidence, plan for safety, seek professional help, and ultimately overcome this insidious form of narcissistic abuse and manipulation in relationships.

Origins of the Term ‘Gaslighting’

The term ‘gaslighting’ finds its origins in the 1938 British play-turned-film ‘Gas Light’, where a husband systematically manipulates his wife into questioning her reality and sanity. In the film, the husband persistently denies his wife’s experiences and perceptions, even going so far as to make her believe she is losing her mind. This ultimately leads to her being committed to a mental institution, allowing him to steal her inheritance unhindered.

The term ‘gaslighting’ refers to this elaborate and insidious technique of deception and psychological manipulation, usually practiced by a single deceiver or ‘gaslighter’ on a single victim over an extended period. Common gaslighting tactics may include:

• Attempting to convince the victim of the truth of something intuitively bizarre or outrageous
• Flatly denying one’s own actions
• Dismissing the victim’s contrary perceptions or feelings
• Gradually isolating the victim from independent sources of information and validation

While the term originated from the play and film, its broader use has raised concerns about diluting the meaning and minimizing the serious health effects of such abuse. Nevertheless, ‘gaslighting’ remains one of the most serious and insidious forms of psychological abuse, as it causes the victim to intensely question their own sense of reality.

Common Gaslighting Techniques

Gaslighters employ a variety of manipulative tactics to undermine their targets’ reality and erode their self-trust. Some common gaslighting techniques include:

• Feigned Confusion: The gaslighter may act bewildered or confused when confronted with evidence of their behavior, making the target doubt their own recollection of events.
• Over-Apologizing: Gaslighters may excessively apologize and promise to change their behavior, only to repeat the same patterns, leaving the target feeling guilty for calling them out.
• Questioning Memories: The gaslighter will directly challenge the target’s memories or perceptions, insisting that events did not occur as the target remembers them.
• Blatant Lying: Gaslighters are pathological liars who refuse to back down even when confronted with irrefutable proof, often accusing others of lying or being “crazy”.
• Diversion: When confronted, gaslighters will attempt to shift the conversation to a different topic or blame the target for the issue at hand.
• Trivializing Concerns: The gaslighter will dismiss or minimize the target’s valid concerns, making them feel that their feelings or experiences are insignificant or unreasonable.
• Convenient Amnesia: Gaslighters may conveniently “forget” events or conversations that contradict their narrative, leaving the target questioning their own memory.
• Love-Bombing: In the early stages of a relationship, gaslighters may shower their targets with excessive affection, gifts, and attention to manipulate and create a sense of dependence.
• Blame-Shifting: Gaslighters will revise the truth in stories to make themselves look better or shift blame onto others, causing the target to doubt their own recollection.
• Undermining Self-Esteem: Gaslighters may use negative nicknames, insults, or criticism to undermine the target’s self-confidence and self-worth.
• Contradictory Statements: By making contradictory statements, gaslighters can confuse their targets and make them doubt their own perceptions and memories.

Suggestion for read: The 12 Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Signs of Being Gaslit

Being gaslit can be a profoundly unsettling and disorienting experience that erodes one’s sense of reality and self-worth. Some common signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:

• Constantly questioning your own perceptions, memories, or sanity
• Feeling overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain about decision-making
• An urge to frequently apologize or believe you’re “too sensitive”
• Loss of confidence and self-esteem, feeling incompetent or worthless
• Wondering if you’re “good enough” or if something is inherently wrong with you
• Persistent feelings of nervousness, anxiety, or worry
• Feeling disconnected from your sense of self
• Believing you’re to blame when things go wrong

Gaslighters often employ phrases like:

• “You’re so sensitive!”
• “You’re just paranoid.”
• “You’re imagining things.”
• “That never happened.”

These statements aim to invalidate the victim’s experiences and perceptions, causing them to doubt their own reality. Gaslighting is a gradual and deliberate process, disguised as concern or an attempt to “look out for” the victim. The sooner these signs are recognized, the sooner the victim can seek help and break free from the cycle of abuse.

Impact on Mental Health

Gaslighting is a pernicious form of psychological abuse that can have severe and long-lasting effects on an individual’s mental health. The persistent manipulation and invalidation of one’s reality, memories, and experiences can be profoundly traumatizing, leaving deep emotional scars. Some of the devastating impacts of gaslighting on mental health include:

• Anxiety and Depression: The constant state of self-doubt and questioning one’s own perceptions can lead to chronic anxiety and depression. Victims may feel overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain about their decision-making abilities, leading to a loss of self-confidence and self-worth.
• Isolation and Loss of Social Support: Gaslighters often work to isolate their victims from friends, family, and other support systems, leaving them feeling alone and unable to seek validation or assistance. This isolation can exacerbate the negative impacts on mental health and make it harder for victims to break free from the abusive situation.
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): The emotional and psychological trauma inflicted by gaslighting can result in PTSD, characterized by intrusive thoughts, nightmares, hypervigilance, and emotional dysregulation.
• Suicidal Ideation: In severe cases, the erosion of self-worth and loss of hope can lead to suicidal thoughts or attempts, making it crucial to seek professional help and support.
• Dependence on the Abuser: The gradual undermining of one’s sense of reality and self-trust can create a dangerous dependence on the abuser, making it even harder for victims to leave the abusive situation.

The impacts of gaslighting are often compounded by pre-existing vulnerabilities, such as lack of strong social networks or material resources. Addressing gaslighting and psychological abuse requires addressing broader social inequalities and power differentials that enable these manipulative behaviors. It is crucial for victims to recognize the signs of gaslighting early and seek professional help to mitigate the long-term effects on their mental health.

Gathering Evidence

Gathering evidence is a crucial step in recognizing and combating gaslighting. By documenting incidents, victims can regain a sense of their own reality and memories, which the gaslighter has persistently undermined. Here are some effective ways to collect proof:

• Keep a Journal: Maintain a detailed record of gaslighting incidents, including dates, times, and specifics of what transpired. This can help validate your experiences and provide a factual account.
• Voice Recordings and Photographs: If possible, make audio recordings or take photographs during instances of gaslighting. These tangible forms of evidence can be powerful tools in exposing the abuser’s behavior.
• Secure Storage: Email recordings, photos, and journal entries to a trusted person or store them in a secure location away from the gaslighter’s access. This safeguards the evidence and prevents tampering or destruction.
• Trusted Witnesses: Confide in trusted friends or family members about the gaslighting you’re experiencing. Their accounts can corroborate your experiences and provide additional support.
• Assemble Important Documents: Gather and secure essential documents like IDs, licenses, bank statements, and legal paperwork. This ensures you have access to critical information if you need to leave the abusive situation.

Collecting evidence not only helps validate your experiences but can also be invaluable if you decide to seek legal assistance or involve authorities. However, prioritize your safety and well-being throughout the process, as confronting a gaslighter can potentially escalate the abuse.

Safety Planning

Addressing gaslighting requires a comprehensive safety plan focused on reducing the victim’s isolation and increasing their support network. It’s crucial to involve suitable others, such as trusted family members or friends, to provide practical and moral support while monitoring the victim’s safety. Arrange for children to have regular contact with trusted adults outside the home, and meet with the victim and children regularly to assess the situation. Ensure all professionals involved have a shared understanding of the risks and the importance of the safety plan.

Red flag indicators that require further action include the perpetrator restricting access, the victim or children appearing fearful or anxious, failure to engage with services, the family going missing, or reports of domestic incidents. It’s essential to:

• Speak to a trusted friend or family member about the gaslighting to get your experience validated
• Have a plan for quickly leaving the relationship if needed, and take your documented proof with you
• Reach out to a local domestic violence program or support group after leaving to talk through your experiences and get support

Other safety measures include:

• Identifying safe spaces in your home without weapons that have a way out
• Talking to trusted neighbors and establishing a code word/signal for them to call for help
• Teaching your kids how to safely leave the home and call 9-1-1 if needed
• Keeping your car fueled and ready to go, with an extra set of keys in a safe place
• Avoiding wearing scarves or long jewelry that could be used to harm you
• Surrounding yourself with supportive people who can recognize abuse and offer wisdom
• Setting goals to become independent and self-supporting, like learning new skills
• Finding a peaceful place to relax and unwind, and practicing self-care consistently
• Knowing where to get help, like local shelters and hotlines

Seeking Professional Help

Seeking professional help is a crucial step in the recovery process for victims of gaslighting. Consulting with mental health professionals and domestic abuse organizations can provide invaluable support and guidance.

• Therapy and Counseling: Therapists can help victims recognize the gaslighting patterns, address the psychological impacts, and develop healthy coping strategies. Through techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy and trauma-focused therapy, victims can rebuild their self-trust and heal from the emotional trauma.
• Domestic Abuse Organizations: Organizations like Grampian Women’s Aid (in the Aberdeen/Aberdeenshire area of Scotland) offer free, confidential advice and support for individuals experiencing gaslighting or other forms of domestic abuse. These organizations can provide resources, safety planning, and referrals to appropriate services.

When supporting a friend or loved one who is being gaslit, it’s essential to:

• Believe them without question and validate their experiences.
• Avoid suggesting they are mentally ill or unstable, and don’t treat the abuser’s version as a “different side of the story.”
• Be patient and understanding, as they may need to talk about the situation repeatedly as they process it.
• Educate yourself on gaslighting and toxic/abusive behaviors to better support them.

Additionally, when seeking professional help, it’s crucial to:

• Confirm if the behavior is indeed gaslighting, which involves a repeated pattern of manipulation to make the victim doubt their reality.
• Speak up about the gaslighting behavior and remain confident in your version of events.
• Focus on self-care and involve trusted friends, family, or colleagues for support.
• Contact a therapist or domestic violence hotline for guidance and resources.

Recognizing Gaslighting Early

Recognizing gaslighting early is crucial to prevent its damaging effects from escalating. Here are some key questions to ask yourself to determine if gaslighting is occurring:

• Do you regularly doubt your version of events or perception of reality?
• Do you feel confused or uncertain when speaking to your partner about incidents or conversations?
• Do you find yourself relying more on your partner to tell you what “really” happened?

Gaslighting can occur in various contexts, including:

• Intimate relationships
• Child-parent relationships
• Racial contexts
• Workplace settings

If you suspect you’re being gaslit, it’s essential to take action. Here are some recommended steps:

1. Identify the Problem: Recognize that gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation, where the abuser makes you question your beliefs and perception of reality.
2. Separate Truth from Distortion: Keep a journal or record incidents to maintain a factual account of events, helping you distinguish reality from the gaslighter’s distortions.
3. Recognize Power Struggles: Gaslighting often involves a power imbalance, where the abuser exploits their position to control and manipulate you.
4. Visualize Life Without the Relationship: Reflect on how your life might improve without the constant undermining and manipulation.
5. Allow Yourself to Feel: Acknowledge and process the emotions you’ve suppressed, such as anger, sadness, or betrayal.
6. Seek Reality Checks: Talk to close friends or family members you trust to get an outside perspective and validation of your experiences.

When confronted by a gaslighter, recommended responses include:

• “I hear what you’re saying, but that isn’t my experience.”
• Walking away from the conversation to avoid further manipulation.

Remember, recognizing gaslighting early and taking action is crucial to protect your mental well-being and regain control over your reality.

Conclusion

Gaslighting is a pernicious form of emotional abuse that erodes one’s sense of reality and self-worth. Its damaging effects can have severe and long-lasting consequences on an individual’s mental health, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and even suicidal ideation. Recognizing the signs early on and taking proactive steps to gather evidence, create a safety plan, and seek professional help is crucial to break free from the cycle of manipulation and regain control over one’s life.

While the path to recovery may be challenging, it is essential to remember that gaslighting is a form of abuse, and the victim is not to blame. By surrounding oneself with a supportive network, seeking validation from trusted sources, and working with mental health professionals, victims can heal from the trauma and rebuild their self-trust. The journey towards reclaiming one’s reality and sense of self is a courageous one, but it is a necessary step towards a healthier, more empowered life.

FAQs

What Exactly Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is identified as a form of psychological manipulation where the perpetrator aims to instill doubt and confusion in their victim. The ultimate goal for the gaslighter is to gain control and power by altering the victim’s perception of reality, leading them to mistrust their own judgment and instincts.

Can You Identify the Four Main Forms of Gaslighting?

The four main forms of gaslighting behavior include:

1. The blatant lie.
2. Manipulating reality.
3. Blaming or scapegoating.
4. Coercion or forcing one’s will onto another.

What Are Gaslighters Known for Doing Most?

Gaslighters are predominantly known for two things based on a clinical perspective:

1. Deliberately lying to create an alternate reality.
2. Isolating their victims from social circles as a means of control.

What Is a Gaslighter’s Biggest Fear?

Individuals who gaslight, particularly those with narcissistic tendencies, are fundamentally driven by a fear of being exploited or taken advantage of by others. They worry that any personal information shared can be turned around and used against them, thus they operate from a place of wanting to maintain leverage and control.

At Inquire Talk, we understand the importance of mental health and wellbeing. Our passionate therapists are dedicated to providing online counseling, therapy, and psychotherapy to individuals seeking support and assistance. If you’re looking to enhance your relationships, improve your mental well-being, or explore personal growth, our team is here to support you on your journey to happiness and fulfillment. Visit our website to learn more about our services and book a session today.

Here are few certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

Simi Valecha Johnson

Sharan Thiara

Lynda Pabari