Why You Always Fight the Same Way & How to Stop the Toxic Cycle

Are you worn out from your relationship’s ongoing fights? It’s time to figure out why you keep getting into the same arguments.

Fighting is a natural part of any relationship, but when conflicts become chronic and repetitive, they can be destructive and toxic. Many couples find themselves in a cycle of fighting that seems never-ending, with arguments that follow a predictable pattern and lead to no resolution.

It can be frustrating, exhausting, and damaging to both individuals and the relationship as a whole. However, breaking free from these patterns is possible, and it starts with understanding why we fight the same way and how to stop the toxic cycle.

Conflict is a natural part of all healthy relationships, and having a friendly disagreement now and then is healthy. No pair will ever completely concur. Yet, arguing about the same thing repeatedly might become a sticking point, leading to pointless arguments and unhappy feelings for both of you.

Even if the disagreement is over a very insignificant matter, if you find yourself fighting over the same issues often, it may be a symptom of a larger issue you are dealing with. You should go into the root of the problem and try to figure out why you and your spouse can’t come to an agreement on this. Even if you think it’s not a big deal, disagreements like these can quickly turn into arguments that terminate relationships.

It’s time to look into the source if you realize that one particular subject keeps finding its way into your regular conversations and producing dissatisfaction. Continue reading to find out why you and your partner keep fighting over the same things.

Why do you always argue the same way?

You must first determine why you and your partner are unable to resolve a particular issue before you can break the cycle of conflict. You can be fighting the same battle every day for the following reasons.

It’s a problem from your past that hasn’t been adequately resolved

An argument that occurs repeatedly is frequently a result of issues you and your partner haven’t really resolved as a pair in the past. Perhaps you discussed it but didn’t reach a decision. Or maybe you did, but you’re regretting it now. In either case, it is impossible to ignore a recurring argument because resentment will fester like an ember in a tinderbox. Your entire connection will burn up before your very eyes.

Something is being withheld if tiny arguments over putting out the garbage escalate into major arguments over your partner eating lunch with their ex two years ago. This perpetual going around in circles will cause bitterness and anxiety about the future. It’s obvious that trying to ignore the problem isn’t working for you and your partner. If you ever want to see improvement in your relationship, you need to address the cause of the arguments you keep having.

You aren’t being truthful about your emotions

It’s time to talk to your partner about your worries and issues if you find that you and your partner are fighting frequently. More often than not, they will be quickly and amicably resolved. You develop trust in the relationship and in one another when you discuss these issues. Yet, if you don’t, it causes violent fights that can result in more issues. If your partner’s friendship with an ex bothers you, you might be reluctant to bring it up out of fear of coming off as a pest or as being uncool. Whatever the cause, you must be truthful with both your partner and with yourself.

No matter how “uncool” it may make you feel to express your displeasure, if something concerns you, it troubles you.

You two are not truly listening to one another

Also, your arguments might just be becoming old. You could keep repeating the same things without making any progress. It’s possible that you are defending your point so much that you are not paying attention to what your partner is saying. You don’t put forgiving into practice. Because it involves the cooperation of both partners, forgiving is challenging, especially in cases of serious breaches of trust like adultery.

If you decide that you want to forgive your spouse, you must put forth effort to prevent the incident from weighing on you and influencing your choices. Even though you are not the one who destroyed the trust, you must make every effort to repair it. This is a difficult task. Even those who desire to forgive find it difficult to do so.

You have not truly forgiven your partner if you are still fighting over something you say you do. It’s not appropriate to bring it up every time they misbehave or whenever they are angry with you. When you forgive someone, you are unable to use what you have forgiven them for as a weapon.

Suggestion for read: In a healthy relationship, how often do couples fight?

Consider the long-term repercussions if you discover that you genuinely can’t let go of something, even if you believed you could. Do you only require additional time, or will this annoy you indefinitely? Find a solution to quit having the same fights now that you are aware of why you do.

How to quit fighting in the same way

It won’t be simple to put an end to something that keeps finding its way into all of your discussions. Even though it’s subconscious, you can’t just let go of what’s clearly on your mind. You and your spouse will need to put in some effort to identify the root of the problem in order to break the cycle. Continue reading for advice on locating the cause so you can avoid fighting the same battles.

Have you actually dealt with the problem?

Nobody can read minds. Although we hope that our partners can understand some of our wants and emotions, they frequently are unable to. Is the persistent problem something you briefly mention in arguments but never address? If you’re upset with your partner, you can storm out rather than actually talking about it in the hopes that they would somehow figure out what’s bothering you.

The truth is that they don’t. You must inform them. Then, you must discuss it. Arguing can feel like a stain on a relationship, so many people choose to overlook the issue in the hopes that it will go away in order to preserve a sense of peace. But using this approach results in communication that festers, which worsens the situation.

That way, nothing is resolved and the subject is only briefly mentioned. You need to schedule a time when you both feel calm to sit down and really discuss this matter. Talk and listen to one another so that you can comprehend one another’s viewpoints. If you’re capable of doing that, your relationship is strong. Yet, you have a problem if your partner won’t talk about the matter by cutting you off or acting belligerently. A strong relationship depends on communication, and you have already shown that the issue cannot be ignored.

Can you put aside your ambition to prevail in this debate?

Are you the type of person who always needs to be right? Can’t you stand losing or being treated unfairly? You’ve identified the problem if arguments like these frequently occur because you or your partner feel the need to be in charge or right. A persistent argument requires care and respect to resolve. Things will remain the same if your goal is to win rather than taking your partner’s sentiments into account.

To advance, you must be willing to make a small sacrifice. Try to keep in mind that you should be cooperating with this person rather than competing with them. Being competitive and trying to save face prevents us from being vulnerable with our partner. The real issue won’t be resolved if one of you, or both of you, are unable to be open and honest about your feelings.

What actually has you or your partner upset?

“When a couple fights over the silverware, they are not really fighting over the silverware,” goes an old adage. Perhaps you and your partner are constantly arguing over the same little issues, and neither of you can figure out why. You are probably talking about something that one of you thinks is superficial, like leaving dishes in the sink, while the other is in emotional distress. Due to the fact that you speak different languages, communication may be difficult.

You need to express your feelings to your partner if you are continuously arguing because they leave the dishes in the sink. Your request is probably being ignored by them since it is “a tiny item that’s not a huge problem to them.” And even if it might not be a huge deal to them, you still need to let them know that it is. Tell your partner that you feel disrespected when you return home to a sink full of dirty dishes, and that by not doing their dishes, they are sending you the message that your needs don’t matter to them. Perhaps, demonstrating your discomfort with the situation and explaining why it bothers you will enable you both come up with a solution.

Does it really matter?

Not every problem in a marriage can be resolved. Maybe you felt you could win this conflict when it first started. You were of the opinion that you could move past the problem. You may have previously been in denial about it, but now that you’ve been together for a longer period of time, you know how vital it really is.

You must be open and truthful about how you’re feeling and how you got here. Accepting that you made a mistake in letting go of something is acceptable. But, continuing to discipline your partner while announcing your want to leave them is not acceptable.

The truth is that some issues cannot be resolved. Yeah, couples ought to be able to disagree and hold divergent opinions while yet being happy. Yet certain fundamental problems are just too much. It could be necessary to make a difficult decision regarding the viability of this connection if this subject keeps coming up because it impacts you more than you initially believed. Perhaps despite having opposing political views and being able to see one other’s points of view on the majority of issues, there is one that neither of you is able to compromise on or understand. You might deceive yourself into believing it won’t affect you and put it out of your mind. But, if the problem does arise, it can result in permanent harm.

When does having the same argument get too much?

You must be able to admit which problems you can resolve together and which you cannot. Maybe you decide not to debate a particular subject because you know you’ll never come to an understanding. So let’s imagine that the subject is religion. You can believe whatever you want, but what about kids? Will you bring up your child in both of these religions, none at all, or just one? Will you be able to reach a decision that both of you will approve of? You must ultimately respond to that query.

Sometimes the problem is one that you just can’t get past, and that’s why you keep having the same fights: you haven’t adequately discussed it. Choose what you can live with since life is too short to spend it in perpetual strife. The first step to stopping the same fight is determining why you keep having it. Make an effort to determine why the same disputes keep coming up because doing so will point you in the direction of a brighter future and a healthier relationship.

Breaking free from repetitive and toxic fighting patterns is critical to building and maintaining healthy relationships. By understanding the root causes of these patterns, couples can identify and address underlying issues and unmet needs. By improving communication and practicing empathy and self-awareness, couples can create more productive and effective conflict resolution strategies.

It is essential to recognize that breaking free from toxic cycles of fighting requires effort, patience, and a willingness to change. Ultimately, the effort is worth it, as it can lead to stronger and more satisfying relationships that can endure over time.

By breaking free from toxic fighting patterns and building healthier communication and conflict resolution skills, couples can create a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and understanding that can last a lifetime.

It may involve seeking outside help or support, such as counselling or therapy.

InquireTalk certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

Wenna Chen

Marcelo Matias

John Hilsdon