Tips For A Trial Separation In The Same Home

Several factors can cause relationships to fail. Other times, it’s because a new partner has entered the picture. Sometimes, it’s because of stress and violence. And in some instances, it’s just the case that two individuals who care deeply for one another have developed romantically and are no longer compatible as spouses. In most cases, it’s preferable if the couple goes through a trial separation in which they live apart for a period. This provides them the time and space to decide if they really do want to break their marriage.

According to the Gottman Institute, a trial separation can be a two-edged sword with advantages and disadvantages, thus it is recommended to seek couples counseling at the time to have a counselor lead the process. What transpires, however, if only one individual can’t leave? What if there are mitigating factors, such as financial hardship or children who require both of them to be close by, that prevent them from having separate living spaces?

An internal trial separation is a choice

Although it could appear awkward, everyone can benefit much from this situation. While still ensuring that both partners are safe, have a place to live, and that their children are being cared for, an in-house separation allows each partner to have greater independence and autonomy.

Of course, a trial separation like this can only be successful if both parties are generally amicable. It is preferable to truly move out if there has been constant fighting, abuse, or other unpleasant behavior. This situation might help you figure things out individually and together if you and your partner are still on relatively good terms so you can decide how to move forward.

But how do you start a trial separation while you’re cohabitating? Here are the top five items on your to-do list.

Tips For A Trial Separation In The Same Home

1. Divide your sleeping areas.

Sorting up your own sleeping areas should be your first move. If you’ve been sleeping together for years but decide to stop being intimate, you’ll need to find another sleeping arrangement. Naturally, it is much simpler to accomplish this in a large home as opposed to a small apartment, but it is still possible in the latter. For instance, if you live in an apartment, you could convert your dining room into an additional bedroom with a thick curtain surrounding it for privacy.

If you do have a bedroom but it’s small (or occupied by kids), one partner can move their sleeping quarters upstairs or in the attic, leaving the other partner with the bedroom.

The master bedroom of one couple I know was converted into a space for their two kids to share, and then each parent took a little child’s room for themselves. In another instance, the parents divided the home into two distinct flats, but they always left the neighboring door open so their daughter could easily roam between the two residences. Please respect one another’s space and make the best of what you have to create a private area for you both. Although it will feel a little strange at first, you will quickly develop a routine.

2. Take sole responsibility for your personal costs

Of course, a trial separation involves more than simply physical distance; it also involves experiencing what it might be like to lead separate lives. Separate funds are meant by that. Make splitting your two bank accounts and credit cards a top priority if you have been using them together.

You can continue to keep such accounts open, especially if your utility and mortgage payments are deducted from them. Simply agree to have your individual accounts for everything else and deposit a predetermined amount into this joint account each month to pay these expenses.

You’ll understand this relationship if you think of it more like a housemate arrangement than a romantic one. The first step is to open separate bank accounts and credit cards. Next is the division of costs. Save aside the money you’ll need for your own food, for instance, if you’ve been doing your grocery shopping together but will now be on your own.

Make your own meals and do your own grocery shopping. Yes, there can be exceptions to this rule, such as when a housemate requests to pick up some milk or bread while the other is leaving. Also, if you’ve been buying basic necessities like socks, underwear, personal care products, etc. for each other, it’s time for you to buy your own instead of theirs.

This may require some getting used to, especially if one partner has traditionally been considerably more in charge of providing for the family’s needs in terms of food and clothing. Create lists as necessary, especially if you’re splitting up the cost of raising the kids equally. For instance, one parent might provide for the children’s food and clothing requirements, whereas the other might pay for their extracurricular activities and the petrol needed to get them there.

Just make sure everything is fair and balanced to avoid arguments or becoming angry over being taken advantage of. Negotiation may be possible if one spouse earns much more money than the other. For instance, they could be more willing to shoulder additional financial obligations if one partner does more household duties. To ensure that the divide is equitable, bargain and make concessions as necessary.

3. Split up the work and take care of your own obligations.

You must each assume responsibility for your own lives for a trial separation to succeed and to be truly beneficial. Your separated partner needs to start doing their own laundry if you’ve been doing it for them for the past ten years. To avoid fighting over the washer and dryer, get your individual hampers or laundry bags and make a chore routine.

In fact, make a plan so that there won’t be any disputes over common areas. Choose a time when you’d like to have the kitchen to yourself so that you may prepare things, for instance if you’re cooking your own meals and eating alone rather than with others. For example, one of you could choose to do batch cooking on a Sunday so that you have casseroles and soups to eat during the week. The other would like to have complete freedom in the kitchen from 7-8 in the morning for smoothies and omelettes.

Of course, sharing a kitchen space is also acceptable if you two get along well and don’t argue much. In order to get a sense of how life would be when they are separated, some people find it preferable to prepare and consume meals separately during trial separations. Yet, if you had young kids who would be sad if they didn’t eat dinner with their parents, that is something to think about.

Again, keep in mind that these are all merely recommendations. You two should decide what is realistic and what you feel comfortable with.

4. Define respectful personal boundaries

It’s crucial for the two of you to establish clear boundaries, whether you want to set aside particular hours of the week for alone time, undisturbed parent-child bonding, or working from home. Most importantly, it’s critical to respect those limits because they might quickly blur after a trial separation when cohabitating. For instance, you might put notices on your bedroom doors asking people not to bother you unless the building is on fire or someone is actually in danger of dying. Similarly, if there are any potential new romantic interests, be open and honest about your preferences for presence in the shared area.

Keep it to your individual sleeping areas and try not to be overt about it in shared locations, especially if tiny children are still getting accustomed to the idea of you two being apart. If you’re both OK with physical contact with others in the house, that’s cool. Alternately, it’s generally advisable to spend time with your new partner(s) at their place(s), rather than yours, if you’d prefer to keep your romantic affairs discreet.

Suggestion for read: How to Do a Trial Divorce in the Same Home

This trial separation will go more smoothly if you and your separated spouse treat one another with kindness and respect. It will also give you a great deal of clarity to decide if the remainder of your lives will be spent together or separately.

5. Continue to check in with one another

Long-term communication can be difficult after a trial separation in which spouses live apart. Nonetheless, communication should still be common when a split couple is housed with you. And when we say “communication,” we don’t simply mean polite small talk; we also mean actual conversations.

Avoid waiting for conflicts to escalate into resentment or fury. Speak to each other frequently to determine what is and is not working for you two. Reevaluate and renegotiate as necessary until you discover a flow that works best for all parties. Together, you’ll need to decide what information to share with your extended families and social networks and how to do so.

For instance, you might need to give some justifications if you want to spend holidays apart or if you need different lodgings when you travel together. Alternatively, it’s totally acceptable if you two would choose to keep these specifics private as you strive to organize your life. Nobody else needs to know the specifics of your relationship unless you choose to make it public.

This is a private matter between you two and your kids (if you have them). If and when the time comes to make those things public, you can let everyone else know what is happening.

Here are but a few ideas for an internal trial separation. Because every relationship is unique, you can decide that some of the items on this list are things you want to do but not others. You might even have a dynamic that is entirely distinct from all that has been described thus far.

If there are children involved, this temporary split might help you two realize that you genuinely do want to remain a couple. Great news if that is the case! When you’re back together, you can apply what you’ve learned while you were separated to strengthen your relationship.

InquireTalk certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

Wenna Chen

Marcelo Matias

John Hilsdon