Relationships and Trauma: How to Support a Partner with a History of Trauma

Being in a relationship with someone who has experienced trauma before might occasionally provide special difficulties. Traumatized people frequently behave in ways that are difficult for their partners to comprehend. For instance, they might display suspicion, swiftly rise to anger, have panic episodes, or disengage. Trauma can impede emotional processing, which makes it difficult for those who have gone through it to express what is actually going on inside of them. This can lead to disagreements and misunderstandings, and it can be challenging for well-intentioned partners to know what kind of help to offer.

Don’t worry if this describes any of your experiences somewhat. While upholding your own safety and limits in the relationship, there are methods to become a trauma-informed and compassionate partner. Here are some strategies to start supporting your partner and gain a deeper understanding of trauma and relationships.

The effects of trauma on conduct

Understanding the specifics of your partner’s trauma is crucial before you can respond to it. Trauma is a phrase used to describe severe emotional and psychological anguish brought on by an event or series of events. This can involve going through things like:

abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional),
neglect,
a life-threatening disease or injury,
racism and/or prejudice,
poverty or homelessness,
a loved one’s untimely death,
natural disasters, or
any other circumstance that renders a person or group helpless.

Our bodies enter survival stages during a traumatic incident, which aids us in coping. These states, meanwhile, can also make it difficult for us to emotionally absorb what is going on. When an encounter is deemed traumatic, it indicates that the person’s powerful feelings are virtually locked inside their neural system.

As a result, their body and brain will react the same way they did at the time of the initial trauma when they are later reminded of the traumatic incident in some way (i.e., when the trauma gets triggered). This indicates that at some point you will probably witness your partner go into a state of survival like fight, flight, or freeze.

The body becomes highly active during the fight-or-flight response, generating a burst of energy that will aid a person in fleeing or attacking a threat. Your companion could become exceedingly tense and overwhelmed at this point. Here are a few signs that your partner might be in a fight-or-flight situation:

• Agressivity (raising voice, physically acting out, escalating in conflict)
• Animosity (appearing on-edge)
• Panic/anxiety • Seeming overburdened (sobbing, shaking)
• False impressions (expressing distrust, making negative assumptions)
• Acts of violence against oneself or others (such as hitting, yelling, verbal abuse, throwing objects, and suicidal threats or behaviors).

A significantly different reaction takes place when the body is frozen. In an effort to save energy and suppress pain sensations, the body becomes deactivated, listless, and numb. This might appear like this in your partner:

• Disconnection (shutting down in conversation, appearing uninterested, silence)
• Depressed (oversleeping, disinterest in activities)
• Trouble concentrating or recalling specifics
• Blockading (not addressing concerns, refusal to engage)
• Use of drugs (to further disengage and avoid pain)
• Distant sexual behavior

Being able to reach these states suddenly in circumstances that you could consider neutral and non-threatening is particularly perplexing. You might not be aware of the factors that influence your partner, leading you to believe they are acting strangely. By saying this, they could feel even more threatened, which frequently makes the trauma worse. Although it is a difficult case, there remains hope for recovery.

How to support Partner with a History of Trauma

Having compassion for your partner requires the development of all the aforementioned knowledge. As you comprehend how trauma impacts the neural system, you recognize that sometimes your partner can’t control these kinds of reactions. They are still capable of coming up with fresh reactions, but for the time being, this information can allow them to rethink how they are acting. You might interpret their behavior as a response to their overstimulated nervous system rather than seeing it as an attack on you. Also, when your partner comprehends the concept of trauma, it enables them to take responsibility for their actions and strive toward developing self-control.

Determine the triggers for your partner (and your own)

There is always a trigger associated with trauma responses. As an illustration, suppose your spouse is quite upset when you inform them that you will be leaving for a little work trip. It could be difficult to pinpoint the precise cause of such a powerful response.

But, it starts to make sense if you consider their past. For example, you might be aware that your partner was severely neglected as a child. If that’s the case, the trigger is probably a feeling of abandonment your partner has. Although they can rationally distinguish between a parent leaving them and a work trip, their nervous system might not be able to do so. By discussing this with your spouse, you may reassure them of your love for them and help them take steps to control their emotional reaction. Recognizing your personal triggers and how they could be activated in your relationship is also crucial.

Recognize and scale distress

Trauma reactions by partner with a history of trauma can heighten the severity of a disagreement, and there may be times when your partner struggles to feel in control of their actions. Because of this, creating an emotional scale with your partner might be incredibly beneficial. This might be done by posing the question, “How distressed are you feeling right now, on a scale of 0–10?” Consider taking a break from the conversation if your partner has a rating higher than 5. Your partner will do better if they put their attention on self-control at this point rather than trying to work things out with you.

Recognize your own limitations

While your partner with a history of trauma needs your sympathy, you don’t want to encourage a pattern of abuse in your relationship. If your partner doesn’t actively try to modify harmful and inappropriate habits like violence, verbal abuse, and threats, you’ll probably go through your own trauma in the relationship. Be wary of any urge you might have to excuse your partner’s actions or to think that their mental well depends on you. Understanding their experience and taking responsibility for it are two different things.

Recognize when assistance is needed

Getting assistance with a partner with a history of trauma is not a sign of shame. Trauma can cause a relationship’s dynamics to become perplexing and crippling. Therapy can be crucial, especially when one or both of the relationship members have experienced trauma in the past. You can learn about the cycles that contribute to relationship distress with the help of couples counseling. Attending individual counseling can also assist you in developing awareness that might favorably impact your relationship.

Suggestion for reading: Near Me Trauma & PTSD Therapist. Is Online Therapy a Reliable Alternative?

Trauma can have the effect of being an uncomfortable, jarring presence in your relationship. You could feel helpless at times to solve the problem. But, you can begin to experience the best of both yourself and your relationship with a depth of compassion and deliberate efforts toward progress.

Here are few InquireTalk’s certified therapists who you can get in touch and can help you and your partner with a history of trauma:

Aryeh Sampson

Georgina Lynch

Martyn Pars