My partner needs more space

If the question “Why does my partner need space when we argue?” has made you feel discouraged, read on. You could find this article to be exactly what you need to gain greater understanding. Most couples occasionally find themselves in a vicious cycle of conflict that is easy to start but difficult to break. Regardless of the topic of the argument, one party always seems to want some distance while the other is eager to resolve the issue quickly. This can be upsetting and uncomfortable for both parties as the accumulation of resentment and vulnerable insecurities can begin to undermine the emotional security of the partnership.

This particular problem is a prevalent complaint in couples therapy. “My partner always runs away from me, and we can never come to an agreement.” or “My partner doesn’t appear to respect me despite my repeated requests for him or her to leave me alone…  I require room. I feel like I’m about to blow out. While the person who wants space frequently feels invaded, in control, and afraid of saying the wrong thing, the one who wants rapid resolution frequently feels abandoned, scared, and betrayed. Unfortunately, neither party communicates in a way that the other can comprehend, and this leads to a vicious circle of miscommunication that lasts for months or even years. This problem frequently serves as the impetus for couples to enter counselling or, alternatively, causes them to break up.

My partner needs more space

If you’re in a relationship, you know how demoralizing this cycle may feel if you can’t find mutual acceptance and healing. The two of you are undoubtedly doubting the relationship and may even have become shells of yourselves after getting caught in this cycle 100 times. I want to reassure you that this cycle occurs in every relationship I have ever worked with or heard about in my personal life as an attachment-based therapist. This is due to the fact that we are all human and have a deep-seated fear of being abandoned or rejected in some way.

On a fundamental level, we might have experienced similar emotions when growing up or in a previous relationship, which can make our anxieties about our current relationship—where we can’t seem to get on the same page—even more difficult to handle. Instinctual responses to perceived threats of rejection, scorn, and/or abandonment frequently result from profound connection wounds from prior experiences that we may not even be aware of having or understand how they are connected. No one is flawless, therefore no matter how loving your relationship is, how much you love and trust each other, there may still be occasions when your spouse experiences a trigger from your natural fight-or-flight response, which starts the cycle.

Try viewing your gap as competing biological reactions to the possibility of losing the relationship rather than through the lenses of blame, victimhood, and/or righteousness. If your relationship needs immediate repair, perhaps because you were dumped by a parent or an ex-partner, you may panic out of the blue when you sense that your present spouse has had enough. We must be kind to ourselves since, despite its irrationality, this is the reason. To keep us alive, we are hardwired to immediately react to threats. The most likely explanation is that your partner just so happens to have a different defense mechanism (freeze or flight) that has kept them “safe.”

If we never reach the point of knowing why we react the way we do, we could unintentionally ruin our relationship and keep experiencing the same traumatic events. This “dance” may not be enjoyable and can result in a lot of heartache, but it is something that should be explored both individually and jointly for the relationship’s long-term development and security.

More experienced couples mean it when they remark, “Relationships are hard work,” because they have learned how to create a balance that breaks this loop. Learning to recognize the cycle, comprehend your own and your partner’s reactions, and express your demands openly are all parts of the “work” that must be done in order to genuinely grasp one another’s viewpoints and achieve healing.

Since this cycle won’t suddenly disappear, you can learn the tools to properly fix the hurts and misunderstandings so that problems don’t keep coming up again and again. Ideally, you would both learn the tools to completely avoid the cycle altogether. Sometimes a qualified professional is required to accomplish this.

I can understand how this would feel like rejection and why you might fear abandonment if your partner reacts by shutting down during moments of nervous tension. Particularly if they become irate, stop speaking entirely, or even worse, physically leave. Please read the potential explanations below to maybe gain a better understanding of your partner’s intrinsic defensive mechanism rather than continuing to torture yourself with the question, “Why does my partner need space?”

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Why My Partner Needs More Space? 5 Possible Reasons

1. They were criticized and/or rejected in their past from parents/caregivers and/or friends/ex partners. They may have gotten the message that what they have to say isn’t important or valid. They may have gotten the message that they were flawed in some profound way and thus doesn’t feel good enough.
2. They feel triggered by conflict. This may have to do with growing up with a lot of conflict with parents and/or siblings. This may also have to do with the opposite; they grew up without any conflict and feel very threatened by it. Either way, they struggle with easing their anxiety about confrontation and conflict.
3. They experience fear. Imagine your partner as a lovely clam holding a priceless pearl. The clam has an inbuilt ability to shut itself off when it feels threatened in an effort to defend itself. Their hard, icy exterior evolved over time in an effort to deter predators and guard their soft, vulnerable inside. The clam feels secure when closed. The calm appears vulnerable when it is even partially open. They are sensitive to predators and frequently believe they are in a giant’s hands, trying to aggressively pry open their shell with a knife. They may eventually react by giving up dejectedly or by becoming increasingly bitingly tight.
4. They digest information more slowly and require more time in difficult situations to think and feel. You might make a convincing argument. You might be able to express every emotion and idea you have. They don’t function that way. They probably feel intimidated by your quickness and sensitivity to emotions and want to be sure they understand themselves before saying the “wrong” thing. They probably say something “wrong” while under pressure to communicate, which makes them less secure about trying to do it again. It can feel like you’re pressuring them to let you know how they’re feeling, which would make it simpler for them to compartmentalize and shut off totally.
5. They fail to comprehend the disagreement or conflict. Sometimes it’s as easy as not comprehending the topic of the debate or concurring that it is important enough to actually “argue” over. They’re trying to stop the disagreement from getting worse by shutting down. Unfortunately, they are unaware that to you, their actions feel dismissive or abandoned.

Hopefully, you may comprehend with more compassion that your partner is not intentionally attempting to injure you if one of those factors may be the reason behind their reaction to run away from situations or shut down. They most certainly aren’t intentionally keeping their emotions and thoughts from you in an effort to torture you. They’re not trying to leave you feeling alone or ignored. The best course of action is to seek out couples counselling before this problem seriously undermines your sense of self and the quality of your partnership.

Inquire Talk certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

Hannah Commodore

Zori Litova

Sarah Jack