Missing Your Ex: 10 Steps to Move Forward

Breakups are incredibly difficult, leaving us grappling with a whirlwind of emotions and a deep longing for your ex. Whether the relationship ended amicably or on a sour note, missing your former partner is a natural response that can be overwhelming. From constantly dreaming about them to feeling crushed when they move on, the pain of a breakup can be all-consuming, leaving you wondering why you still miss your ex so much, even when you know the relationship has run its course.

This article delves into the complex emotions surrounding the loss of a romantic relationship and provides a step-by-step guide to help you navigate the healing process. We’ll explore the reasons behind the intense yearning for your ex, offer strategies to process the grief healthily, and provide insights on how to gradually move forward, whether your goal is to rekindle the connection or embark on a new chapter in your life.

Why Do You Miss Your Ex?

Missing your ex-partner after a breakup is a natural and common experience. The reasons behind this intense longing can be multifaceted and deeply rooted in our emotional and psychological makeup.

Emotional Connections

Emotional connections are often the most difficult to let go of when a relationship ends. You may miss the deep bond, intimacy, and sense of belonging you shared with your ex. The familiarity and comfort they provided can leave a void that’s challenging to fill, leading to a profound sense of loss and yearning for their presence.

Daily Routines

Daily routines and habits that you built together can be hard to break. Simple things like sharing meals, watching TV, or going to the gym together may leave you feeling lost or lonely without your partner. These familiar patterns become ingrained in our lives, and their absence can trigger a strong desire for the person who once filled that space.

Shared Memories

Shared memories and experiences can make it hard to move on. You may miss the laughter, inside jokes, and special moments you created together over the course of your relationship. These cherished memories serve as reminders of the happiness and connection you once shared, making it difficult to let go of the past.

Your ex provided you with familiarity, comfort, and a sense of security. The relationship became a part of your identity, and when it ended, a piece of you went with it. The loss of that secure feeling, the inside jokes, rituals, and intimate knowledge you shared can leave a profound void, causing you to yearn for what you once had.

Moreover, if you were in a long-term relationship, you likely grew accustomed to having a romantic and sexual partner. The absence of that companionship and physical intimacy can be deeply unsettling, as these are fundamental human needs that were once fulfilled by your ex.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

The process of healing from a breakup is akin to grieving the loss of a significant relationship. It’s essential to acknowledge and embrace the myriad emotions that arise during this challenging time. Experts emphasize the importance of allowing yourself to experience the sadness, anger, and pain that come with the end of a meaningful connection.

Acknowledging Your Feelings

Acknowledging your feelings and normalizing the variety of emotions experienced in this process is key to allowing yourself to heal. Dr. Tricia Wolanin, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist, explains, “We have to allow the sadness to arise, to let the tears come. Share this with your support system. Allow yourself to cry and get it out. There may be moments of anger: take time to yell, dance it out, paint, journal, run, create a fiery playlist [and just] do whatever you need to do to release this.”

It’s perfectly normal to feel a range of emotions, from heartbreak and loneliness to anger and confusion. Crying provides a release that can improve your mood and help you feel better in the long run. As Jackie Krol, LCSW, notes, “It’s also ok to just sit in your feelings and let yourself feel bad. Letting yourself have feelings is healthy even if other people might not see it that way. Crying, wallowing, and acknowledging pain is sometimes the best medicine.”

Giving Yourself Time

Healing after a breakup takes time, and it’s crucial not to get mired down in this stage of the healing process. You need to allow yourself some time to process what happened, but remember that this process looks different for each individual. As Dr. Limon-Rocha explains, “There is no linear path in the face of grief, such as in the loss of a relationship, and this journey to healing can be highly variable.”

While some experts suggest being single for at least as long as the duration of the relationship, there is no definitive timeline for healing. Kisha Walwyn-Duquesnay, LPC-S, emphasizes, “There really is no magic number. You should take as much time as you need to heal, and that’s different for everyone.”

The grieving process is highly subjective, and the issues you’re grappling with from the relationship play a significant role in how you respond. Elena Jackson, LPC, notes that how we respond to “failure, rejection, and abandonment” also influences the mourning process. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this challenging transition.

Focus on Self-Care

Nurturing your physical and mental well-being is crucial during the healing process after a breakup. By prioritizing self-care, you can replenish your energy reserves and cultivate a positive mindset, which will aid in your emotional recovery.

Physical Health

A breakup can take a toll on your physical health, leading to changes in eating habits, reduced motivation, anxiety, and depression. To mitigate these effects, it’s essential to maintain a balanced diet and engage in regular exercise. Even gentle activities like stretching, yoga, or taking a walk outside can help release tension and boost endorphin levels, improving your overall mood.

Adequate sleep is also vital for processing emotional stress. Aim for 7-9 hours of restful sleep each night, and consider taking a short nap during the day if you feel fatigued. Staying hydrated by drinking water throughout the day can also contribute to your overall well-being.

Mental Wellbeing

In addition to caring for your physical health, nurturing your mental well-being is equally important. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as watching your favorite TV show, listening to soothing music, or indulging in a small treat. Journaling can also be a therapeutic outlet for organizing your thoughts and emotions.

Surrounding yourself with a supportive social circle can provide comfort and distraction during this challenging time. Reach out to friends and family, or consider joining a support group to connect with others who understand what you’re going through.

New Hobbies

The end of a relationship often leaves a void in your daily routine and free time. Filling this gap with new hobbies or activities you’ve always wanted to pursue can be a rewarding form of self-care. Consider taking a class, learning a new skill, or exploring a creative outlet like painting, writing, or playing an instrument.

Engaging in hobbies not only provides a healthy distraction but also allows you to rediscover your passions and interests outside of the relationship. This can be an empowering step towards rebuilding your sense of self and finding fulfillment within.

Remember, the journey of self-care is unique to each individual. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you explore various activities and strategies that resonate with your needs during this transitional period.

Suggestion for read: What is a Comfort Ex

Limit Contact with Your Ex

One of the most challenging yet crucial steps in the healing process after a breakup is limiting contact with your ex. While the idea of cutting off communication with someone who was once a significant part of your life may seem daunting, experts believe that adhering to the “no-contact rule” can facilitate a healthier recovery.

No-contact Rule

The no-contact rule entails cutting off all forms of communication with your ex following a breakup. This includes refraining from phone calls, text messages, direct messages, and “likes” on social media, as well as in-person meetups. Some experts even argue that looking at your ex’s social media posts should be considered off-limits.

As Leanna Stockard, LMFT at LifeStance Health, explains, “In addition to no direct contact with your previous partner, it also means not following up with mutual friends to gather any form of information about their lives.”

By adhering to the no-contact rule, you allow yourself more time to process the loss and grief of your relationship healthily. Ultimately, it can help you mend your heart, accept that the relationship has ended, and begin dating again once you’re ready. Stockard adds that following this rule also prevents you from sliding back into the relationship itself, which can create confusion and prolong your pain. This clear boundary might be difficult to contend with, especially early on, but it provides structure as you move forward with your life.

If you continue to stay in contact with your ex, there is a possibility that intense emotions will remain high, hindering your ability to move on. For that reason, it’s important to resist the temptation of calling, texting, or even snooping on them via social media.

Avoiding Social Media

In the digital age, social media can be a significant obstacle in the process of limiting contact with your ex. We tend to mindlessly scroll through our phones when bored, which can lead to the temptation of reaching out to your ex or checking their social media accounts.

To avoid this pitfall, it’s advisable to take a temporary break from social media platforms where you might encounter your ex’s presence. Even if you take a break, you’ll eventually need to create some online distance between you and your ex. This means unfollowing them on Twitter and Instagram, and unfriending them on Snapchat.

Facebook provides a non-nuclear option: you can stay friends but unfollow your ex so you don’t see their updates, and put them on your restricted list so they only see your public posts. The most important rule for surviving a breakup in the digital era is to avoid looking up your ex. Don’t look at their Facebook wall, Instagram feed, tweets, or Google them. To keep your ex from popping up in your own social media history, stick all your old Facebook photos in a single album, so you can download the photos (to look at ten years from now) and delete them from Facebook itself.

By adhering to the no-contact rule and avoiding social media triggers, you create a safe space for yourself to heal and find your way back to a sense of wholeness without the constant reminders of your ex’s presence.

Lean on Your Support System

Navigating the emotional turmoil of a breakup can be an arduous journey, but leaning on your support system can provide a much-needed anchor during this challenging time. Friends, family, and support groups can offer a safe space to process your feelings, gain valuable perspectives, and find the strength to heal.

Friends and Family

The unwavering support of your closest friends and family members can be invaluable during this period. They not only offer a listening ear but also provide a sense of stability and comfort. Confiding in them about your emotions and seeking their advice can help you gain a fresh perspective on your situation.

Moreover, spending time with your loved ones can serve as a healthy distraction, allowing you to momentarily step away from the weight of the breakup. Engaging in activities you enjoy with their company can help lift your spirits and remind you of the other meaningful relationships in your life.

Support Groups

Joining a support group specifically designed for individuals going through a breakup or divorce can be incredibly beneficial. These groups provide a safe and understanding environment where you can share your experiences, learn from others’ journeys, and receive validation for your feelings.

Support groups offer a sense of community and belonging, reminding you that you are not alone in your struggles. The collective wisdom and coping strategies shared within these groups can provide invaluable insights and tools to help you navigate this challenging transition more effectively.

Additionally, support groups often provide structured activities or exercises aimed at promoting personal growth, self-reflection, and emotional healing. These exercises can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and develop a more positive mindset as you work through the various stages of the healing process.

Whether you choose to lean on your existing support system or seek out new avenues of support, it’s crucial to remember that you don’t have to go through this process alone. Surrounding yourself with a supportive network can provide the guidance, encouragement, and understanding needed to navigate this difficult chapter with greater ease and resilience.

Reflect and Learn from Your Relationship

The end of a relationship can be an emotionally turbulent experience, but it also presents an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. By taking the time to thoughtfully examine the dynamics of your past relationship, you can gain valuable insights that will help you navigate future connections more successfully.

Positives of the Relationship

While it’s natural to focus on the negative aspects that led to the breakup, it’s equally important to acknowledge the positive elements that once enriched your life.

Reflect on the qualities that initially drew you to your partner, the shared experiences that brought you joy, and the ways in which the relationship contributed to your personal growth.

Perhaps your ex-partner introduced you to new hobbies or perspectives that broadened your horizons. Or maybe the relationship taught you the value of open communication and compromise. By recognizing these positive aspects, you can cultivate a sense of gratitude for the lessons learned and the personal growth that occurred, even amidst the pain of the breakup.

Reasons for the Breakup

While every relationship is unique, there are often common underlying reasons that contribute to its dissolution. Reflecting on these factors can provide valuable insights to help you avoid repeating patterns in future relationships.

1. Lack of Emotional Intimacy: Emotional intimacy is the foundation of a healthy, fulfilling relationship. If you and your partner struggled to connect on a deeper level or failed to nurture emotional vulnerability, this could have been a significant contributing factor to the breakup.
2. Sexual Incompatibility: Sexual compatibility is a crucial aspect of a romantic relationship. If you and your partner had vastly different desires, needs, or expectations in the bedroom, this could have created an insurmountable rift.
3. Differences in Life Goals: Relationships thrive when both partners share similar visions for the future. If you and your ex had vastly divergent goals, values, or priorities, it may have been challenging to find common ground.
4. Poor Communication: Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. If you and your partner struggled to express your needs, resolve conflicts, or actively listen to one another, this could have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
5. Lack of Trust: Trust is the foundation upon which healthy relationships are built. If infidelity, dishonesty, or a pattern of broken promises eroded the trust between you and your partner, it may have been impossible to move forward.

By reflecting on the specific factors that led to the demise of your relationship, you can gain a deeper understanding of your own needs, boundaries, and relationship patterns. This self-awareness can empower you to make more informed choices in the future and potentially avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Remember, the process of reflection is not about assigning blame or dwelling on regrets. Instead, it’s an opportunity to embrace personal growth, cultivate self-compassion, and develop a clearer vision of the type of relationship you aspire to have in the future.

Working on Personal Growth

The end of a relationship, while undoubtedly painful, presents an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. By setting new goals and building positive habits, you can emerge from this challenging period with a renewed sense of purpose and a deeper understanding of yourself.

Setting New Goals

At any stage of a breakup, whether you realize it or not, you are setting goals and making choices that will shape your path forward. Clarity is crucial during this time, as it allows you to reflect, consider, and become a creative problem-solver. With clarity, you can stand up and negotiate with authority and wisdom, making decisions aligned with your needs and desires.

The first step is to ask yourself, “What do I need and want – both now and in the future?” Clarity requires you to be specific about your aspirations. A vague goal like “happiness” or “for the pain to end” is unlikely to be achieved because it lacks focus. Instead, you need to give your mind something tangible to focus on, while allowing your heart to process the grief and loss, and ensuring your basic needs are met.

For example, your goals might include:

1. Feeling confident and in control of your life
2. Helping your children navigate the transition as smoothly as possible
3. Rebuilding your self-worth
4. Finding love again
5. Achieving financial independence

Breaking down your goals into specific, achievable steps can help you create a roadmap for your personal growth journey.

Building New Habits

As you set new goals, you’ll need to cultivate habits and behaviors that support your growth. A breakup can be a catalyst for positive change, prompting you to reassess your priorities and make conscious choices that align with your desired future.

One powerful habit is practicing self-love and self-compassion. Be kind to yourself, and replace self-criticism with gentle, loving self-talk. Engage in activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit, such as exercise, mindfulness practices, or pursuing new hobbies and interests.

Additionally, seek out opportunities for self-improvement and personal development. Whether it’s furthering your education, advancing your career, or working on your physical and mental health, taking steps to better yourself can boost your self-respect and confidence.

Another valuable habit is learning about topics that can help you heal and grow, such as dealing with abandonment issues, managing negative emotions like anger and shame, and identifying toxic behavior patterns. Reputable online resources, books, and support groups can provide insights and tools to help you navigate this transformative period.

Remember, personal growth is a journey, and each step you take is valuable. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, and trust the process. As you take responsibility for yourself and reclaim your power, you’ll discover a wealth of healing and self-discovery that can profoundly shape your future.

Consider the Possibility of Moving On

After navigating the emotional turmoil of a breakup, there may come a time when you feel ready to consider the possibility of moving on and re-entering the dating scene. This transition can be both exciting and daunting, but with self-awareness and a thoughtful approach, you can embark on this new chapter with confidence.

Re-entering the Dating Scene

The decision to start dating again is a highly personal one, and there is no universal timeline for when you should take this step. Some experts suggest waiting a month for every year you were in the previous relationship before pursuing a new one. However, the true readiness depends on your emotional healing process and individual circumstances.

As you contemplate re-entering the dating world, it’s essential to listen to your instincts and assess your emotional state. If you find yourself genuinely interested in meeting new people and exploring potential connections, it may be a sign that you’re ready to open your heart again.

However, if you’re still grappling with intense emotions like anger, sadness, or resentment towards your ex-partner, it might be wise to allow more time for healing. Entering a new relationship while still carrying unresolved emotional baggage can hinder your ability to form healthy connections and be fully present with a new partner.

Assessing Readiness

Before diving into the dating scene, it’s crucial to engage in self-reflection and personal growth. This process can help you gain valuable insights from your past relationship and develop a clearer understanding of what you desire in a future partner.

Ask yourself questions like:

1. Do I feel strongly about myself and my own identity?
2. Do I get my sense of self from the people I date?
3. Do I know the components of an emotionally intelligent relationship?
4. Do I know how to be a healthy and emotionally intelligent partner?
5. Do I have other fulfilling and rewarding aspects in my life, or do I solely revolve around my dating partner?
6. Do I have other intimate (non-sexual) relationships?
7. Is there anything I’m afraid of or avoiding?
8. Do I have any behaviors that are out of control (e.g., drinking, shopping, work)?
9. Do I know what I want from dating – a committed relationship or just casual fun?
10. Do I know how to communicate my needs openly and directly with a partner?

Answering these questions honestly can provide valuable insights into your emotional readiness and help you identify areas that may require further self-work before embarking on a new romantic journey.

Remember, being part of a healthy relationship requires being a whole and healthy person yourself. While it’s natural to desire companionship, it’s essential to feel comfortable with yourself and your life before inviting someone new into it.

Closure from your previous relationship also plays a crucial role in determining your readiness. Accepting that the past relationship didn’t work out allows you to approach a new connection without emotional baggage or unresolved issues, fostering healthier dynamics and greater emotional availability.

Ultimately, only you can decide when the time is right to start dating again. Trust your instincts, be patient with yourself, and embrace the journey of self-discovery and personal growth that accompanies this transition.

Conclusion

The journey of moving on after a breakup is undoubtedly challenging, but the path to healing lies in self-compassion, introspection, and a willingness to embrace personal growth. By acknowledging your emotions, nurturing your well-being, and leaning on a supportive network, you can navigate this transitional period with resilience and emerge stronger on the other side. Remember, the end of one chapter paves the way for new beginnings, and the lessons learned from past relationships can empower you to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future.

Inquire Talk is committed to supporting individuals in navigating the complexities of relationships and promoting mental health and well-being. Our online counseling services provide a convenient and accessible way to seek professional support from licensed therapists and counselors who specialize in addressing various mental health concerns, empowering you to prioritize your well-being and take the first step towards a happier, more fulfilling life.

FAQs

1. How can you stop thinking about your ex and begin to move on?
   To stop thinking about your ex and start moving forward, it’s essential to accept the breakup and let go of any hope of reconciliation. Allow yourself to grieve the loss and express your feelings by writing them down. Experience your emotions without self-blame. If you are still physically intimate, it’s important to stop, and also avoid texting them. Implement the no-contact rule to help in healing.
2. What are some effective ways to cope with missing your ex?
   When you find yourself missing your ex, focus on why ending the relationship was beneficial. It’s important not to suppress your feelings; instead, consider journaling to process them. Keep yourself occupied with activities, refrain from contacting your ex, spend time with friends, and concentrate on personal growth.
3. Why do your experience periods where I miss your ex more intensely?
   Feeling intense longing for your ex at times is a common response following a breakup. It indicates that you shared a meaningful connection. It’s completely normal and acceptable to take time to heal and mourn the relationship.
4. When does one typically stop missing their ex?
   The time it takes to stop missing an ex varies from person to person. While some might recover in a few weeks, others might take years. It’s important to understand that healing is a personal process, and feeling like you might never move on is also a normal part of this journey. Time is a crucial healer in these situations

Here are few certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

Sandra Retmanski

Carmen Winch

Ellie Mackay