How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

It can be upsetting and difficult to learn that a friend or other close relative is involved in an abusive relationship. Any number of feelings, such as sadness, rage, guilt, or disgust, could be experienced. You might want to step in or, on the other hand, you might want to back off. Regrettably, abusive relationships are frequently really difficult circumstances. In addition, the victim of abuse could be ashamed or in denial, which can make it challenging for you to intervene. They typically require a dedicated companion who is nonjudgmental and able to help them process their experiences at a speed that is comfortable for them. I’ll provide advice on how to assist a buddy who is in an abusive relationship in this article.

What is an abusive relationship?

Let’s first talk about what an abusive relationship looks like. What many individuals might not realize is that abusive language and actions can and do occasionally occur in many relationships. For instance, emotional abuse in the form of name-calling and insulting is quite prevalent. Even while these actions are not what we would consider fair fighting, the occasional occurrence of them does not imply that the dynamic of the relationship is abusive in general. Partners can frequently discover more constructive methods to resolve disagreement with a little effort and perhaps with the aid of a couples therapist.

Frequency of abuse and/or a power imbalance are what distinguish an abusive relationship. The situation becomes more serious if verbal or physical abuse are frequent occurrences in the partnership. Additionally, abuse may become much more destructive if there is an unequal power dynamic in the relationship.

Power disparities

Power can come in many different forms, such as physical dominance, financial control, or sole possession of a residence. Power is affected by identity factors as well. In contrast to his cisgender or transgender female partner, a cisgender guy has more identity-based power. In relationships where the power dynamics are about equal, partners occasionally abuse one another repeatedly. Occasionally, the partner who has less power would behave abusively because they feel helpless.

The most dangerous scenario is when the abuse is mostly started by the partner with more authority. In these circumstances, the victim of abuse is likely to feel trapped, alone, ashamed, or even deny that an abusive situation really exists. Also, this is the circumstance in which they can require the greatest assistance to go out of it.

Ways to support a friend who is in a toxic relationship: An open attitude

The main objective of offering assistance to a friend who is in an abusive relationship is to make them feel safe. whatever happens. The problem is highly complicated if your friend has been with the abuser for a long time or loves them. It becomes more complicated if your friend depends on this individual for food, shelter, or other essentials. Your acquaintance might not consider the circumstances to be abusive right now. Even if they do, they might not be close to being prepared to depart.

This may be challenging to comprehend from the outside. Nevertheless, if you focus on your lack of comprehension, you are telling your friend that you won’t be a true support until they see it your way. This will almost always make your companion feel even more alone and distant.

Try being open-minded and nonjudgmental to avoid this. If you want to gauge how willing your friend is to share, you might want to ask a few more casual questions. “How is your marriage going?” or “I overheard her just talking to you. What was it like? Don’t press your friend if they turn away, but do let them know they can always talk to you about it. If they honestly respond, it indicates that they are willing to share with you. Even so, make sure to let your buddy know that you don’t think poorly of them, that you are aware of how difficult their position is, and that you want to support them anyway they feel most comfortable. Avoid centering yourself.

It’s completely possible that you will find aiding your friend to be frustrating. A victim of abuse is frequently hesitant to end the relationship. Hence, even though you’re frustrated, it’s more helpful to gently suggest that your friend evaluate their options. You can find yourself engaging in any of the following behaviors if you act out of frustration:

• Giving threats: “I’ll stop being your friend if you don’t leave him.”
• Expressing a lack of comprehension: “I don’t understand why you stay with them.”
• “By staying, you’re letting her treat you that way,” the victimizer said.

Any of these claims is most likely being made out of a sense of protection. These could, however, also come off as shaming or reprimanding. This will simply make your friend feel worse about their predicament if they weren’t already ashamed about it. Because shame makes us want to run away, your friend might stop looking to you for help.

When appropriate, do share

That being said, it’s not always a challenge to express your emotions. If your friend can understand your point of view, it might be easier for them to accept the abuse. Try asking for permission to share if your friend seems receptive to conversing. “I have some ideas regarding this. Would you be willing to listen to them? You are displaying your concern for your friend and respect for their autonomy by asking permission.

If your friend concurs, use caution when you speak. Make an effort to use I statements and to speak from your own point of view, such as “I think you deserve better treatment than this.”

“I love you, and it breaks my heart to see you suffer.”

“When I heard what he said to you the other night, I was furious.”

You could also want to check in with your friend to see how they are responding to your sharing by asking, “How does it feel to hear me say this?”

The most crucial message to convey is that you will remain their friend regardless of what they choose to do. They might be able to change the situation or leave it in the way that makes the most sense to them if they perceive you as a trustworthy support.

If your friend responds, you can propose concrete assistance. It depends on the circumstances what this involves. Maybe you can direct them to a couple’s or individual therapist.

Safety preparation

You can assist your friend in creating a safety plan if they are in an abusive environment. You can accomplish this by recognizing the essential cues that alert people to the need to leave the comforts of home. For instance, “it’s time to go if he starts ranting.” Encourage your friend to think about the items they will need to bring. This may be the kids, a toothbrush, or even a change of clothes. Help them choose a destination as well. You can offer to have them stay with you if you have a guest room and feel comfortable doing so. If not, assist your buddy in thinking about alternative places they might find safety, such as a shelter for victims of domestic abuse.

You can assist your friend in planning to leave their partner if they are prepared to do so. Be certain that safety is being prioritized when they depart. This may entail leaving an abusive relationship without informing the abusive partner. Also, it would be preferable to wait a few weeks and depart while the partner is away rather than run the risk of inciting violence by making the attempt. You can ask your friend to express their mixed emotions, whether they be ones of sadness, guilt, or anything else. If they intend to go, make sure they have a secure location to go to when they do.

Abuse-related relationships are complicated, and no two are the same. Be careful how you broach the subject of an abusive relationship with a buddy of yours. They are more likely to open up to you if you approach them in a nonjudgmental and interested way. Keep in mind that you cannot make them do anything. It is preferable to show your friend unwavering support and affection so that they feel understood.

If your friend is open to your help, be respectful, ask permission, and offer to help practically and realisticly. This is a difficult thing to go through and to witness. But if your friend feels safe sharing with you, then you are one of the best resources they have to navigate through this challenge.

Here are few certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

Hannah Commodore

Zori Litova

Sarah Jack