How to Deal with Open Relationships and Jealousy

Over the past few years, open relationship patterns and polyamory have drawn a lot more attention. More and more people are attracted to open relationships that defy society’s notions of what marriage should look like. Navigating open partnerships, though, can occasionally be difficult. Opening up a formerly monogamous relationship might feel freeing, frightening, empowering, chaotic—many different emotions, sometimes all at once! Opening out emotionally in a relationship can be difficult. It is advantageous to have a large and trustworthy support network to rely on for emotional support as a result.

Your support system can consist of your immediate family, whether biological or adopted, a therapist, a reliable mentor, a sponsor, or anybody else you can rely on to give you time and space to process your emotional experiences.

As I work with clients in open relationships, I frequently see that they have a primary partner or another connection that receives more attention than others. This type of partnership arrangement is popular because it gives couples the freedom to explore other relationships while yet giving them a sense of security in their current one. However concerns of envy and discomfort do occasionally surface, just as they do in all types of relationship setups. Individuals and those in open relationships frequently seek counselling at this time. I frequently discuss the following topics with couples and single people navigating open relationships.

Be aware of your jealousy.

It can be really uncomfortable to be jealous. It is frequently an unwanted emotion that might appear suddenly and strongly. Yet you and your relationship do not need to be controlled by envy. You can use jealousy as a method to identify unresolved issues in your present relationship life. We refer to jealousy as a “secondary emotion.” This indicates that it is an emotion that manifests when another, more powerful and painful emotion is simultaneously present. You frequently don’t want to experience this deeper “primary emotion,” though. Jest is frequently fueled by negative emotions like pain, grief, or insecurity.

Like other secondary emotional experiences, jealousy is merely attempting to alert us to the presence of a deeper feeling that requires addressing.

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Handling Open Relationships by Kathy Labiola is a book that I frequently suggest to people who are having trouble deciphering what their jealousy is trying to tell them. With the use of diary prompts, Labiola guides readers through the causes, consequences, and questions surrounding their envy in this workbook.

Some suggestions for expressing envy in an open relationship

First and foremost, time is everything. Frequently, it is advisable to hold off until the peak of the jealousy has passed. While our emotions are running high, we frequently speak and behave impulsively. Wait until you’ve investigated what your envy is trying to tell you. Your partner will be better able to understand your perspective if you have a better understanding of the purpose of your envy. Here are some methods to determine what your jealousy may be trying to tell you:
Talk therapy,
Journaling,
Painting your imagined jealousy,
Creating a letter to your jealousy,
Speaking with a friend are all other options.

Consider in advance what lessens the sting of envy. Maybe you’d rather that your partner spend more time with you or be more open with you about their intentions with their other partner. Before venting your jealousy to your partner, it is advisable to consider these points so that you may express your needs to them in a straightforward manner. When asked whether they can address those demands, they might therefore be able to respond more succinctly.

Establish ground rules

However, your partner cannot read your mind and does not naturally understand what you anticipate from this new dynamic in your open relationship. In any new change in the framework of a relationship, it is always essential to be on the same page regarding limits.

This includes setting boundaries for things that, early on in your relationship, seemed obvious. Consider things like the time you anticipate your spouse returning home or whether you are okay with them having a sleepover with a new acquaintance. Are there any eateries that are particularly meaningful to the two of you? Maybe you’d rather your spouse didn’t go on dates there. Setting expectations in advance might help avoid conflicts that could otherwise arise.

Plan ahead

It’s likely that jealousy, loneliness, and all the other worst sensations will get louder when your partner goes on a date. Be prepared for these emotions. I like to recommend a talent I term “opposite action.” When this happens, you act in the exact opposite way to what the uncomfortable emotion is urging you to do. Hence, the opposite of action would be socialization if the unpleasant emotion you are experiencing is loneliness and it makes you want to isolate. Make arrangements for your partner’s dates with other people, at least initially. It guarantees that you have social support and a distraction, both of which you could need.

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Weekly dates

Have dates with your lover every week. Even if it’s just dancing to your favorite music, be sure the activities you’re engaging in are meaningful to the two of you. No matter what other dates you or your spouse may have scheduled, this is an easy and dependable approach to make sure that you are still developing connection. Both of you will feel more confident in the relationship if you do this. Other COVID-safe date ideas include making blanket forts and ordering takeout, projecting a movie on the ceiling, playing board games, cooking together, or having a paint and sip party at home.

 State of the Union

Aside from the enjoyable weekly outings, be careful to check in on the relationship as a whole. This could take the form of a weekly check-in, a monthly check-in, or as needed. This may also be a compelling argument for beginning relationship counseling. This can give people a place to hold one another responsible for these ‘State of the Union’ speeches. During these discussions, it could be beneficial to explore certain questions, such as:

• Are your needs being met for the both of you?
• How does resentment manifest itself in the relationship?
• Do you both feel safe and wish to maintain your current relationship dynamics?
• Do they respect your love languages?
• Do both of you feel important? Yes, but how? Is that okay if not?

Relationship initiation is frequently challenging. The change in relationship structure can go a little more smoothly if you discuss it with a therapist or a reliable friend. Using these resources when you begin a relationship can assist in laying the foundation for intrapsychic and interpersonal development.

Here are few certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

Jennifer Campbell Kirk

Steve Manley

Ioanna Matte