7 Positive Effects of Scheduling Sex: Key to a Happier Relationship
For many couples, keeping the spark alive in their relationship can be a challenge, especially when it comes to maintaining a fulfilling sexual connection. In today’s fast-paced world, where work, responsibilities, and the demands of daily life often take precedence, sexual intimacy can take a backseat, leading to decreased sexual frequency and, in some cases, a diminished sexual desire.
While the notion of scheduling sex might seem counterintuitive to the idea of spontaneity and passion, an increasing number of experts suggest that it could be the key to unlocking a happier, more satisfying relationship. By intentionally carving out dedicated time for intimacy, couples can prioritize their sexual connection, potentially leading to improved communication, heightened desire, and a deeper emotional bond.
Background on the couple’s existing sex life
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Like many couples, the initial years of the relationship were marked by a passionate and frequent sexual connection. As Lisa Mattson recounts, “In the first year or two, we were having sex morning, midday, evening, or even in the middle of the night.” This intense desire and spontaneity are common in the early stages of a relationship, fueled by the novelty and the surge of bonding hormones.
However, as relationships progress and life circumstances change, a decline in sexual frequency often occurs. Rebecca Wong, a couples therapist, explains, “When couples enter parenthood, intimacy needs to be redefined. What was once a relationship built around the lives of two people is now built around the lives and needs of three or more.” The demands of parenting, coupled with work and household responsibilities, can leave couples exhausted, preoccupied, and with little energy or time for intimacy.
Suzy Olds recalls, “When my kids were toddlers, my sex drive plummeted. I was exhausted and preoccupied with thoughts of my work, childcare, and taking care of the house. At night, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to sleep!”
Sherry Klein echoes a similar sentiment, “We get the kids to bed by 9:30 or 10 P.M. if we’re lucky, and then we pretty much collapse. Who has time for sex?”
Even in long-term relationships without children, maintaining a consistent sexual connection can be challenging. As one individual shared, “I’ve been married 23 years, and with teenagers at home along with a dog, intimacy doesn’t always feel, well, so intimate. There’s more planning involved, and it’s harder to set aside private time.”
Life events like menopause can also significantly impact sexual desire and intimacy. One woman described her experience, “I started menopause within the year, gained nearly 30 pounds rather quickly, lost my libido, and became a hot mess–literally and figuratively due to hot flashes, night sweats, and insomnia. Needless to say, we were both horrified and disappointed. I felt hijacked by the whole experience, and our connection really suffered. I could barely tolerate being touched, and because of the changes in my body image, I didn’t want to be looked at either.”
Husband’s suggestion to schedule sex
Supporting points, arguments, or insights
During the couple’s journey, the husband recognized the need for a proactive approach to revive their intimacy. He proposed the idea of scheduling sex, which initially seemed counterintuitive to the notion of spontaneity and passion. However, his suggestion was rooted in practical reasoning and a desire to prioritize their sexual connection.
- Lack of Spontaneity: One of the primary concerns was the potential loss of spontaneity and excitement. The idea of having a designated “sex night” felt contrived and could potentially diminish the thrill of unexpected intimate moments. They had to find ways to maintain a sense of adventure and novelty within the scheduled framework.
- Performance Anxiety: The anticipation of a scheduled encounter led to heightened expectations, causing stress and performance anxiety for both partners. They had to actively work on managing these pressures and remind themselves that the goal was to prioritize their connection, not achieve perfection.
- Saying “No” to Spontaneous Desire: There were instances when one partner felt spontaneous desire on a night when sex was not scheduled. This created a dilemma – should they honor the schedule or give in to their natural urges? Navigating these situations required open communication and a willingness to adapt the schedule when necessary.
- Inflexibility and Interruptions: Life often threw curveballs, such as medical emergencies, late work commitments, or family obligations, disrupting their scheduled plans. They had to learn to be flexible and adjust their schedule accordingly, without letting these interruptions derail their commitment to intimacy.
- Lack of Romance: For some, the idea of premeditated, prescribed sex felt unromantic and lacking in passion. They had to consciously create an environment that fostered emotional connection and romance, rather than treating their intimate encounters as mere appointments.
- Differing Desires and Expectations: Even with a schedule in place, there were times when one partner desired more frequent intimacy than the other. This disparity in desires and expectations could lead to resentment or frustration if not addressed openly and compassionately.
- Physical and Emotional Barriers: Factors such as stress, fatigue, health issues, or emotional disconnection could hinder their ability to engage in intimate encounters, even when they were scheduled. Addressing these underlying barriers required open communication, self-care, and a willingness to seek professional help if needed.
While the initial suggestion may have seemed unconventional, the husband’s reasoning highlighted the potential benefits of intentionally nurturing their sexual connection. By embracing a proactive approach and prioritizing intimacy, they could unlock a path to a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.
Suggestion for read: 8 Painful Signs He Doesn’t Want You Sexually
Decision to try scheduling sex for a month
Despite their initial reservations, the couple ultimately decided to give scheduling sex a try for a month. They recognized that their intimate connection had been suffering, and they were willing to explore unconventional approaches to reignite the spark in their relationship.