7 Positive Effects of Scheduling Sex: Key to a Happier Relationship

For many couples, keeping the spark alive in their relationship can be a challenge, especially when it comes to maintaining a fulfilling sexual connection. In today’s fast-paced world, where work, responsibilities, and the demands of daily life often take precedence, sexual intimacy can take a backseat, leading to decreased sexual frequency and, in some cases, a diminished sexual desire.

While the notion of scheduling sex might seem counterintuitive to the idea of spontaneity and passion, an increasing number of experts suggest that it could be the key to unlocking a happier, more satisfying relationship. By intentionally carving out dedicated time for intimacy, couples can prioritize their sexual connection, potentially leading to improved communication, heightened desire, and a deeper emotional bond.

Background on the couple’s existing sex life

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Like many couples, the initial years of the relationship were marked by a passionate and frequent sexual connection. As Lisa Mattson recounts, “In the first year or two, we were having sex morning, midday, evening, or even in the middle of the night.” This intense desire and spontaneity are common in the early stages of a relationship, fueled by the novelty and the surge of bonding hormones.

However, as relationships progress and life circumstances change, a decline in sexual frequency often occurs. Rebecca Wong, a couples therapist, explains, “When couples enter parenthood, intimacy needs to be redefined. What was once a relationship built around the lives of two people is now built around the lives and needs of three or more.” The demands of parenting, coupled with work and household responsibilities, can leave couples exhausted, preoccupied, and with little energy or time for intimacy.

Suzy Olds recalls, “When my kids were toddlers, my sex drive plummeted. I was exhausted and preoccupied with thoughts of my work, childcare, and taking care of the house. At night, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to sleep!”

Sherry Klein echoes a similar sentiment, “We get the kids to bed by 9:30 or 10 P.M. if we’re lucky, and then we pretty much collapse. Who has time for sex?”

Even in long-term relationships without children, maintaining a consistent sexual connection can be challenging. As one individual shared, “I’ve been married 23 years, and with teenagers at home along with a dog, intimacy doesn’t always feel, well, so intimate. There’s more planning involved, and it’s harder to set aside private time.”

Life events like menopause can also significantly impact sexual desire and intimacy. One woman described her experience, “I started menopause within the year, gained nearly 30 pounds rather quickly, lost my libido, and became a hot mess–literally and figuratively due to hot flashes, night sweats, and insomnia. Needless to say, we were both horrified and disappointed. I felt hijacked by the whole experience, and our connection really suffered. I could barely tolerate being touched, and because of the changes in my body image, I didn’t want to be looked at either.”

Husband’s suggestion to schedule sex

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During the couple’s journey, the husband recognized the need for a proactive approach to revive their intimacy. He proposed the idea of scheduling sex, which initially seemed counterintuitive to the notion of spontaneity and passion. However, his suggestion was rooted in practical reasoning and a desire to prioritize their sexual connection.

1. Lack of Spontaneity: One of the primary concerns was the potential loss of spontaneity and excitement. The idea of having a designated “sex night” felt contrived and could potentially diminish the thrill of unexpected intimate moments. They had to find ways to maintain a sense of adventure and novelty within the scheduled framework.
2. Performance Anxiety: The anticipation of a scheduled encounter led to heightened expectations, causing stress and performance anxiety for both partners. They had to actively work on managing these pressures and remind themselves that the goal was to prioritize their connection, not achieve perfection.
3. Saying “No” to Spontaneous Desire: There were instances when one partner felt spontaneous desire on a night when sex was not scheduled. This created a dilemma – should they honor the schedule or give in to their natural urges? Navigating these situations required open communication and a willingness to adapt the schedule when necessary.
4. Inflexibility and Interruptions: Life often threw curveballs, such as medical emergencies, late work commitments, or family obligations, disrupting their scheduled plans. They had to learn to be flexible and adjust their schedule accordingly, without letting these interruptions derail their commitment to intimacy.
5. Lack of Romance: For some, the idea of premeditated, prescribed sex felt unromantic and lacking in passion. They had to consciously create an environment that fostered emotional connection and romance, rather than treating their intimate encounters as mere appointments.
6. Differing Desires and Expectations: Even with a schedule in place, there were times when one partner desired more frequent intimacy than the other. This disparity in desires and expectations could lead to resentment or frustration if not addressed openly and compassionately.
7. Physical and Emotional Barriers: Factors such as stress, fatigue, health issues, or emotional disconnection could hinder their ability to engage in intimate encounters, even when they were scheduled. Addressing these underlying barriers required open communication, self-care, and a willingness to seek professional help if needed.

While the initial suggestion may have seemed unconventional, the husband’s reasoning highlighted the potential benefits of intentionally nurturing their sexual connection. By embracing a proactive approach and prioritizing intimacy, they could unlock a path to a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.

Suggestion for read: 8 Painful Signs He Doesn’t Want You Sexually

Decision to try scheduling sex for a month

Despite their initial reservations, the couple ultimately decided to give scheduling sex a try for a month. They recognized that their intimate connection had been suffering, and they were willing to explore unconventional approaches to reignite the spark in their relationship.

Lately there have been too many “goodnights” and not enough nightcaps

The couple acknowledged that their intimate encounters had become increasingly infrequent, with too many evenings ending with a simple “goodnight” instead of passionate intimacy. They realized that their busy lives and competing priorities had pushed their physical connection to the sidelines, and they were determined to reclaim that aspect of their relationship.

Treating sex like an appointment

Rather than waiting for the elusive “mood” to strike, they made the conscious choice to treat sex like an important appointment in their schedule. By intentionally carving out dedicated time for intimacy, they hoped to prioritize their physical and emotional connection, preventing further neglect.

A radical approach to revive their flailing sex life

The idea of scheduling sex was a radical departure from their traditional approach, but they recognized the potential benefits it could bring. They saw it as an opportunity to reconnect, rekindle the passion, and explore new avenues of intimacy that had been lost in the hustle and bustle of daily life.

Marking one-on-one sessions on the calendar

To ensure they followed through with their commitment, the couple began marking intimate one-on-one sessions on their shared calendar. This tangible act of scheduling sex served as a reminder of their commitment to nurturing their physical relationship and fostering a deeper emotional bond.

Prioritizing their sex life

By making the conscious decision to prioritize their sex life for an entire month, the couple signaled their willingness to invest time and effort into reviving this crucial aspect of their partnership. They recognized that a fulfilling intimate connection was essential for a happy and healthy relationship, and they were determined to make it a priority.

While the idea of scheduling sex may have seemed unconventional at first, the couple’s decision to try it for a month stemmed from a genuine desire to reignite their passion and strengthen their emotional bond. They approached this experiment with an open mind, hoping to unlock the benefits of a more intentional and prioritized approach to their intimate relationship.

Challenges faced while scheduling sex

While the concept of scheduling sex offered potential benefits, the couple encountered several challenges along the way. These hurdles tested their commitment and required open communication and flexibility to overcome.

Positive outcomes of scheduling sex

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1. Increased Sexual Frequency: One of the primary positive outcomes of scheduling sex is the ability to ensure a desired amount of sexual activity within the relationship. By intentionally carving out dedicated time for intimacy, couples can prevent prolonged periods of neglect and maintain a fulfilling sexual connection. If left unscheduled, the demands of daily life can easily push sex to the backburner, leading to undesirable dry spells that can strain the relationship.
2. Flexibility and Spontaneity: Contrary to the common misconception, scheduling sex does not necessarily eliminate spontaneity or adventure. Schedules can be flexible and estimated, allowing for a degree of spontaneity within a designated timeframe. For instance, a couple could set aside one night a week for intimacy, with an additional open night as a backup, ensuring that their plans remain adaptable to changing circumstances.
3. Fostering Creativity and Anticipation: By knowing when intimate encounters are scheduled, couples have the opportunity to plan and prepare in advance, fostering creativity and heightening anticipation. Women, in particular, may benefit from this approach, as it allows them to mentally and physically prepare for intimacy, potentially increasing arousal and overall satisfaction.
4. Enhancing Emotional Connection: Scheduling sex encourages couples to be intentional and thoughtful about their intimate moments, which can deepen their emotional connection. By investing time and effort into planning and creating meaningful experiences, couples can cultivate a stronger bond and a more positive cycle of emotional intimacy.
5. Addressing Desire Discrepancies: For couples with mismatched sex drives, scheduling sex can be a practical solution to manage differing desires and expectations. By establishing a mutually agreed-upon frequency, the partner with the higher sex drive can feel satisfied, while the partner with the lower sex drive can feel less pressured, potentially leading to a more harmonious dynamic.
6. Reducing Anxiety and Pressure: Scheduling sex can help alleviate anxiety and pressure surrounding intimacy. When sex is not on the agenda, partners with lower sex drives may feel more comfortable expressing non-sexual forms of intimacy, such as cuddling or hugging, without the fear of it leading to a proposition they might have to decline.
7. Promoting Flexibility and Consent: While scheduling sex provides a framework, it should not be a rigid or forced activity. Experts emphasize the importance of flexibility and enthusiastic consent, allowing couples to adjust their plans or postpone intimacy if one or both partners are not fully engaged or comfortable on a particular day.

By embracing the positive outcomes of scheduling sex, couples can prioritize their intimate connection, foster emotional intimacy, and cultivate a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship. However, it is crucial to approach this practice with open communication, flexibility, and a commitment to mutual understanding and consent.

Conclusion

The experience of scheduling sex was a transformative journey for the couple, shattering preconceived notions and revealing invaluable lessons about prioritizing intimacy and nurturing their emotional connection. Despite initial reservations, their commitment to this unconventional approach opened doors to increased sexual satisfaction, deeper emotional bonds, and a renewed sense of partnership.

At Inquire Talk, we understand the significance of mental health and well-being in relationships, and our online counseling and therapy platform provides support and assistance to individuals navigating the complexities of their emotional lives.

Ultimately, the couple learned that scheduling sex was not a rigid practice but rather a flexible framework that allowed for creativity, spontaneity, and open communication. By consistently prioritizing their intimate moments, they fostered emotional closeness, personal growth, and a deeper appreciation for the effort required to sustain a fulfilling relationship. Their experience stands as a testament to the power of intentional effort and the rewards that come from embracing unconventional approaches to strengthen the bonds of love and intimacy.

FAQs

1. Can scheduling sex improve a relationship?
   While it might seem that scheduling sex could diminish spontaneity, many professionals such as marriage and family therapists and sex therapists actually recommend it. Despite initial perceptions, having a sex schedule can be more enjoyable than you might think.
2. What is the significance of sex in maintaining a happy relationship?
   Sex is crucial in a relationship as it enhances intimacy, which in turn can lead to stronger bonds between partners. Regular sexual activity is associated with lower divorce rates among married couples. Additionally, it offers several health benefits such as reduced stress levels, improved sleep quality, and enhanced immune function.
3. How does sex contribute to better relationships?
   Sex fosters intimacy, creating a sense of closeness and connectedness essential for building trust and safety within the relationship. Engaging in affectionate behaviors like cuddling can trigger the release of feel-good hormones, even without sexual climax. Simple actions such as sex talk and kissing also contribute to hormonal boosts, enhancing the relationship.
4. Does having sex more frequently make couples happier?
   Studies have shown that increased sexual frequency is linked to higher levels of happiness and satisfaction in relationships up to a point. Couples who have sex once a week tend to report the highest levels of satisfaction; more frequent sex beyond this frequency does not typically increase happiness further. Interestingly, once a week is the average rate of sexual activity for people in established relationships.

Here are few certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:

John Hilsdon

Pete Tobias

Nick Gendler