You never stop working to “fix” the issue
If your partner continually bringing up the same problems, you might be doing too much to try to solve them rather than just acknowledging them. Men prefer to internally process before choosing to emotionally or externally express themselves, but women typically process their emotions as they are acting out. COMPLETELY DIAMOND. Not that one is good or bad, but we generally approach solving problems in quite different ways.
It makes sense why you think she is extremely negative. She is not being “negative,” she is simply expressing her emotion in the only manner she knows how: by first feeling it and then thinking about it. Because you don’t generally feel sensations before processing them, you can interpret her as being negative. All you need to do is make every effort not to take her “negativeness” personally and give her the room to experience emotional reactions as she works through it. Her “negativity” is truly just unprocessed emotions.
She needs to try her hardest not to transfer them onto you, just so you know. She does not have the right to be hostile against you without accepting responsibility or taking into account how her emotional reaction affects you just because she is more emotionally expressive than you.
Here’s an illustration: Say she has low energy when she gets home. I hate my job, she storms in and yells as she drops her purse. It’s terrible! I f**k it when no one treats me well at work! I’m simply done. You might be inherently triggered, want to retreat into your shell, and crank up the TV. You could be thinking, “Augh, here we go again! I just want her to be happy. Traditionally, you would respond by saying, “You need to consider the positive aspects. Look at how convenient your commute is, how much you earn, and how early you finish work! Who gives a damn what your coworkers think?
Unfortunately, what you’re really attempting to do when you say you’re trying to “fix her issue” is “fix her mood,” because her mood makes you uncomfortable. She interprets that as being treated disrespectfully. She might grow more enraged, which could lead to an altercation between the two of you. Then you continue your story by saying, “See, she’s usually so negative! She feeds her narrative, “See, he never listens and he doesn’t care about me or how I feel,” and claims that nothing will make her happy.
Try first giving her some emotional distance. Allow her to vent before providing a validation-based reflection. “I completely understand your frustration with your job. It must be challenging to feel unpopular among your coworkers.
She believes there is still some damage from the past.
Validating each other’s viewpoints without attempting to win the debate is the main component of conflict resolution (in a healthy way). Your ability to effectively fix anything with your relationship has been lost if your objective is to always be right. Your goal should be to comprehend each other more thoroughly. This supports your ongoing mutual respect and sense of security in your partnership. If your partner feels upset by you, instead of defending yourself, attempt to understand why. Then, it’s only natural to declare that they are “wrong” because you disagree or your goal wasn’t understood correctly.
As a result, it turns into a contest of who is “right,” rather than a chance to clarify things and acknowledge miscommunication. By affirming one another, you may eliminate all misunderstandings and collaborate on building consistency and awareness for upcoming problems. She needs to develop her ability to unbiasedly validate you.
You read too much into her emotions.
Returning to the discussion of emotional processing, women are typically more outspoken with their emotions by nature (or nurture). It’s possible that you think that every time she reacts or gets upset, it’s personally directed at you. In those situations, try to remind yourself that “she may not even be upset with me.” I realize her reactions could appear frightening, and you don’t want to cause a greater problem by saying the “wrong” thing. Without coming off as aggressive, clarify her position by asking, “Are you upset with me?” “What the hell did I do to you?” is a poem. Alternatively, “What’s your problem?”
She will occasionally say that she is having problems that are unrelated to you and your relationship. Knowing it’s not personal at this point enables you to support her more effectively rather than engaging in a heated fight. “What do you need right now?” you can ask her. also “How can I help?” She might be able to defuse and cool down if you simply allow her to be a little upset without getting angry or defensive.
She needs something from you because she feels insecure
The majority of the time, a partner who repeatedly brings up old grudges in a defensive manner is really insecure in the relationship and isn’t getting what they really need. It’s possible that something is making your partner feel uneasy about your relationship and/or how she believes you view her. It’s possible that she is unaware of what is missing. She struggles with bringing up a matter since she may still be hurt about something that occurred six months ago and she worries no one would listen.
Sadly, she makes excuses for herself, perhaps telling herself that “she’s being ridiculous and needs to get over it,” until she can no longer control her emotions. She does her best to let it go on its own because she also fears coming off as a nag. (You’ve probably already advised her to “let it go,” so she’s afraid to bring it up again. She likely punishes herself because she can’t figure out why she can’t.
She can end up losing her cool at the slightest irritation because suppressing emotions rarely makes them go away. This is probably the reason you think she’s unpredictable and feel like you need to tread carefully around her. This is terribly unfair to you as a spouse because it doesn’t enable you to comprehend her requirements.
You’re merely attempting to vindicate yourself and make up for whatever you “did” to enrage her. Because of this, the two of you must cooperate. She needs to contribute and work on comprehending her feelings as they arise, but she also has to be willing to take a chance and communicate what she needs when it arises rather than holding it in until an unanticipated outburst.
In order to better comprehend her behavior and requirements and prevent yourself from feeling completely defeated, you should also work on the aforementioned suggestions. When recurring problems follow a cyclical pattern, couples therapy can be incredibly beneficial. You can work on ultimate forgiveness, which will enable the two of you go ahead, and learn to effectively talk about the “issue” that causes you to feel resentment or fear from a qualified couples therapist.
Inquire Talk certified therapists who you can get in touch and book a therapy session with:
Carmen Winch
Nicola Keenan
Jennifer Campbell Kirk
